by Bruce L. Dorner
It’s amazing how much control elderly parents have over their adult children. All the kids say, “don’t, worry Dad, you know we’ll do the right thing after you pass on.” Unfortunately, when it gets down to dollars and cents after the funeral, the ancient squabbles erupt into major battles.
I’ve been involved in any number of family battles about who gets the music box, the fishing tackle, the stamp collection, or the living room set. I won’t tell you about the number of times Dad’s watch or Mom’s diamond ring have become the subject of a Texas death match. So, what can Mom and Dad do to avoid these problems?
Let’s start at the beginning. Most families say they don’t have anything worth fighting over. Not true! The battles are rarely about money. More often the fight involves something of sentimental value. I had one major probate court battle over a small child’s rocking chair. It sat in the corner of Grandma’s kitchen. As each grandchild became old enough to sit in it, Grandma promised the little tyke that some day it would be his or hers. After Grandma died, the rocking chair was missing. None of the children or grandchildren knew where it went. Each thought one of the others had taken it. Family unity rested on locating this chair. Since the chair couldn’t be found and no one had any knowledge of when and where it was last seen, the fight ended. Unfortunately, enough bad blood existed among the siblings that they still can’t have a family gathering without some nasty words being exchanged.
In preparing your Will, determine if there are any items that will cause disruption in the family structure. Wills are not a secret. Sit down with the kids and ask if there is anything special they would like as a remembrance. Please note that I am suggesting sitting down with ALL the kids at the same time. If there is going to be a problem, it can be solved with Mom and Dad in the room. It can’t be solved after the funeral by claiming, “I know what Dad would have wanted us to do.” You may not need to list each item in your will. Often the distribution of tangible items of sentimental value can be handled by writing a memorandum, a letter to your Executor, explaining who gets which items. When included in the same envelope as the will, this is a very powerful and practical tool in many cases.
Does your will call for equal distribution to your children? If so, do any of your kids owe you money? This can often cause a major problem when you have helped your children buy a house or pay for a new car. The other siblings go into Smothers Brothers mode claiming, “Mom liked you better!” Adjust your will to reflect that any loans owed to you by your children need to be recovered before distribution is made.
Do you have children of significantly different ages? If so, did you help one with college and not the others? Will this cause a problem if everyone shares equally? You may want to adjust the will to reflect some additional portion to go to the children who didn’t consume as much of your resources as the others.
Have you set up joint bank accounts with any of your kids? Remember, if you die, the money goes to the child, not to your estate. Your will doesn’t protect these funds. Often I see an elderly parent set up a joint account with the child who lives nearby so the bills can be paid regularly. The intent was to make sure the bills get paid — not to give the money to the child. However, the account is recorded at the bank as “joint tenancy.” Check carefully how you set up these accounts. Joint tenancy is great between husband and wife, but may not be right between parent and child. Often, all that is needed is “signature authority” on the account.
If you have an adult child who takes care of you more than your other children, do you want that caretaker to get something extra or special when you are gone? Make your wishes known so that the other siblings are not offended.
Review your life insurance policies and beneficiaries on any other accounts. These items are not covered by your will as they are private contracts to pay the funds to the designated beneficiary after your death. Don’t name your eldest child because you know that the child will take care of everything. The money belongs to them if their name appears as the beneficiary. They have no duty to use the money for any of your expenses.
Above all, be sure to discuss these and any other concerns with your lawyer. There is no one way or correct way to deal with your family. Be open and honest with your attorney. Together you can craft the right solution to protect your family, your assets, and the harmony of the family after you are gone.